A different evening

Went for a wedding reception yesterday (one of my friend's sister's wedding). It was the first Kannada wedding (and second south Indian, first being my senior's wedding last year in Trichy, Tamilnadu) I attended. I was supposed to go with another friend but he didn't come. I didn't know anybody else except the bride's brother, my friend - Nandish. So I was not able to decide if I should go alone. Didn't know the place too! But wanted to have a change in my mood so after all decided to go along. Got ready, took an auto, bought a bouquet (didn't know what else to take as a gift!) and reached the place (Nandish had said that it wasn't too far but it turned out to be quite far and I didn't know the area but the auto driver was quite nice and without a fuss he took me to the place). Nandish welcomed me with a grin and asked me to sit somewhere for a while. Well, I couldn't disturb the bride's brother much, so sat by myself watching people around me. After sometime he came back and asked if I was getting bored but I told him it was a good time to reflect on old memories... He asked me if the sorrounding was reminding me of the events two years back. Well, I told him I didn't have a wedding as big as that! Mine was a very small affair... but the events did remind me of a lot of things and I was sitting there reflecting on too many things... After some time saw some fellow IIScians, joined them, had dinner and was back to IISc by 9.30pm...

10 yrs of relationship!

Yes, its going to be 10 years of our relationship but living apart always except three months of living together in all these years! I wonder how much worth it is living separately like this!!! Today only my husband posted the following in his bike forum:
"I can bet my story will beat everyone else's... I met my wifey 10 yrs back when I was in last yr of highschool (in India). Right after that I went away from home for undergrads (again, in India) and only kept the relation alive by handwritten letters followed by emails. Then a 2 yr job stint when she came to study and we lived in the same town for a year, not together. We did a lot of bike trips on my enfield 350. Unforgettable times. Then I came to the US in 2003 and been living separately ever since. She is still studying for the phd, and might join me here next yr. She visited twice and we got to stay together for a sum total of 3 months in a 10 yr relation. We fought a lot and still do, but less now. The foundation is so strong that nothing will probably sway that around. Agree it is a lot of pain to live like this, but i take it as building a secure future. No wonder i needed the st13 as a painkiller..."

The thread under discussion was "Wife Question". One of the bikers in the forum replied the following:
"3 months in a 10 year relationship....?? You fight a lot and still do... sorry, but that is not really a relationship, more like an acquaintance. I would be surprised if you really even know each other... I could be wrong but I believe it takes more than that to have a real relationship - marriage."

I was happy to see my husband's post until I saw the reply of the other biker. We have so many different views to the same situation. My husband justifies this living apart as "building a secure future". Maybe what he says makes sense to him, he being a practical person but to me it doesn't make any sense because I am a sentimental person. It makes me depressed and sometimes bitter too. Nowadays he says I have become mechanical! When I was all emotional and wanted the emotional support it always led to fights. And now I don't show my emotional side to avoid the fights. And this makes him think that I have become mechanical. I feel bad that I am not able to support him the way he wants and make him suffer for me. But i guess some things can't be avoided. And hope all these things are going to end soon...

Back to track

I have been having a very difficult time concerning my PhD. I had lost all interest in this and for quite some time couldn't concentrate on my work. I had got into the habit of procrastination! Always postponing even the simplest jobs... And now I see how much time I have wasted doing that. Not that I could have done otherwise, but what matters is that I am trying to get back to the track. I have finally uploaded the paper which I should have done three months back. I do feel bad about the lost time but at the same time I am happy about my slow progress. I am happy to regain my lost confidence.

Personally, time is not going so good for my family. I lost my uncle (my father's younger brother) unexpectedly the day before yesterday! It is a blow to all of us. I am still not able to come to terms with it and think that its a dream and I will wake up to see that it never happened!

Life is like that!!!

Life has been quite different for me for sometime. It feels like I was in a dream and suddenly I get up and see things are different. Now I realize I have wasted so much time and how stupid I had been to do that! I never thought I would be stuck in this place, without Joy, for such a long time. We have taken some wrong decisions in our lives and things have been so different because of that. It reminds me of the movie 'Run Lola Run'! I wish I too could change certain decisions of my life and make my life a different one. But real life is no movie and we have to accept what we are going through...

I want to make this day a new day for me. I want to change certain things. But first of all I want to change myself, my views. I don't want to make everybody happy anymore. I want to make myself happy before I start to make others happy. I want to be selfish like others. And I want to be alone for sometime...