Fighting, shopping, surprises...

All the days never go in same way. Sometimes you are happy, sometimes you are extremely sad. And sometimes you are in an indifferent, nonchalant mood. And you get really surprised to see the fast changes between these emotions! I know, I have gone through this. He makes me sad, and he makes me happy. And days go by. But being so far makes going through it difficult. I should feel a little happier now, but donno why I cant. Am I still expecting something ? I tell myself not to be so stupid. But my heart never understands.

Things are different when you are together. But when you are not, they can be very very difficult. I remember our days in Bangalore. Together. In a way that we used to meet everyday. That was the first and last time until it happens again. We had misunderstandings, fights then also. But as I said when you are together things are different. We always could sort out the problems in little time. Then we would go shopping to celebrate our victory over our problems. But things are so different now. We fight now also, it drags for days ! And no celebration !

We all like some surprises in our life. We had our surprises too. But its no more there. I remember his surprise visits when I was in Santiniketan. He taught a boy for sometime to collect some money so that he could buy me a watch. Didnt want to use his father's money for that ! Thats surprise, thats sweet. I also gave him surprises, but some he didnt like. Because I was using my father's money to do that. And probably what I was doing was unnecessary. But I wanted to surprise him in my own stupid way. Because I thought something like that would make me very happy. But now I understand. He is more practical than I am.

Some days ago my senior in the lab got a surprise from her husband. She received a bouquet and busket of fruits ! When asked what it was about, she said her husband had proposed to her on that day six years back. She was saying her husband shouldnt have spent so much money just on these things ! But I know she was very happy. Because that was a surprise to her. It doesn'r matter in what form it comes, but a little surprise makes your day. My friend Soma's boyfriend gave her a surprise last year by not telling her and coming to meet her on Christmas Day. She was waiting for pizza boy, and there was her boyfriend standing in front of her door with pizza in his hand. She was ecstatic. Anybody would have been.

Surprises from my life for the time being are gone. And that makes me sad. I myself tried to surprise him in my own way, but couldnt work it out. Golden days of Santiniketan are gone. Life as it was in Bangalore is also gone long ago. Donno when I am going to be a little happier ! This life makes me tired. Sometimes feel like leaving everything ! But cant do it because I need to finish PhD. Not for myself, I can be happy without it and doing anything to keep me occupied as long as I am happy. I will finish it cause others want me to do it. And one of the 'others' is very close to me. I can't refuse him. I am here because he has been with me in all my difficulties. I am with my husband because he has taken all the trouble to support us. He is my father. And I am going to finish it only for him. But I curse the day when I got selected for PhD here. I seriously believe life would have been better. We could have worked out to be together. Being not together has made my life complicated. Got the things I never wanted. Lost friends. Have come close enough to lose the person I love most. But still hope for the best. I wish I could reverse the time and choose to be with him. Everyday. For a better and happier life.

Monami !

Finished reading the book I wrote about in the last blog. It's a bengali story 'Monami' by Narayan Sanyal. It talks about lives of four persons and the misunderstanding among them. Couldn't stop reading it until it was over. By the time I finished reading, it was almost 3am in the morning. Couldnt get up early the next day. Have started reading a collection of bengali short stories by Suchitra Bhattacharya. After a long time am reading bengali stories. Have been reading english novels only. Its true that one can relate more to something written in ones own mother tongue. And though Bengali is not my mother tongue, I have been learning this language from my childhood and can easily relate to it.

Reading calms me down. But still the thoughts that have been torturing me for past couple of days come back ! What should I do ? What can I do ? Can't change the line of thoughts even if I want !

View of life...

Life sometimes comes as a cruel surprise. Within a second it can change all your beliefs, can shatter all your trust on which you have been building your future. I am in a state of surprise or should I call it a shock ? And have never been so suprised/shocked in my whole life. Donno anymore what else to expect from anyone. I dont feel like doing anything. Anything at all. Trying to work becuase thats why I am here for. But how can you work when your mind is constantly occupied by a single thought ! Nothing helps in this case. And something that can help, that you expect can help, never happens. Right now I feel rejected, dejected ! The whole faith in life is gone, vanished ! The whole trust is betrayed ! I donno what I did to deserve this. You can not take back everything you say, even if you want. The damage is done. How many times can one bear the rejection ?

For me the best friend is a book. I try to forget things by burying myself in a book, whatever it is about. And the book I started reading today could not have come in my hand in a more proper situation, in more proper state of my mind. It talks about an individual's view towards life. I see it in one way, you see it in a different way. But both are ways of life.

Again after a long time...

Its been almost two months since I last updated the blog ! Part of the reason is my laziness, but mostly it is because of my health. I have been staying in Bangalore for more almost 4 yrs now and right from the beginning the weather here didnt suit me. Always got cold very easily. But it never was anything serious. However this year it was different ! One fine sunday in February, after a nice lunch in my guide's house and dance party in the lab, both courtesy to our senior's farewell, I found myself having a bad sleep the whole night because of cough and breathing problem. Went to doctor the next morning and got some medicine. However, since I was having frequent cold, my friend advised me to check with one ENT specialist nearby. He checked and told me I have 'deviated septum', whatever that meant (later I came back to the lab and checked it out in google). Gave me lotsa medicine including nasal drop and spray (drop was helping temporarily but spray made me feel nauseated, so couldnt take it). However, his treatment didn't help me for almost 2 weeks and I kept on suffering from breathing problem and cough ! It became so bad that I couldnt even come to the lab. Finally I decided to go home and magically I was felling better within a day after I reached home. Stayed there for almost 2 weeks and decided to come back to bangalore thinking I was better. But to my horror, within a couple of hours of landing in Bangalore, the problem came back and there I was, suffering again ! This time another friend of mine took me to another doctor, whose diagnosis is supposed to be good. I had been to him before also. He checked and told me that I have "asthma" ! I almost fainted there listening to this ! Asthma ! I couldnt believe that ! However, he gave me inhalers and that helped a lot. Within 2-3 days I was able to come to lab regularly. Now I am feeling a lot better even without the inhalers. One of the professors in my department has been suffering from same kind of problem and she told me that this happens to quite a few people in Bangalore, specially in March-April and again in August-September ! There is nothing you can do, except going out of Bangalore !

So practically I have done nothing for last one month expect for suffering from breathing problem ! Now that I am feeling better I thought of taking some time out of my work and updating the blog ! My work has suffered a lot because of my health and I have to finish lots of work before I go to usa in August. So taking no leave at all ! This Friday is our house warming ceremoby back in West Bengal and I am not going to attend it :( Next month my trekking group is going to Himalayas for one week and I said 'NO' to them because of my health as well as my time shortage ! For the next 3 months only work and work for me ! Have to finish my PhD as soon as possible. Its costing a lot, 'both physically and mentally' as my husband says !